The Past and Present
by deniseguel
Summary: Sometimes our past comes to haunt us. For ADA Rafael Barba the one person from his past shows up unexpectedly. Can he survive this?
1. Chapter 1

The Past and Present

Chapter 1

ADA Rafael Barba was in a major slump. The past three cases had been difficult. Everyone was questioning and doubting Rafael. After losing three cases in a row, the DA's office and the City, even he doubted himself. One person knew Rafael, knew he was the best ADA the City of New York had. Olivia Benson had such confidence in Rafael. She never thought her friendship with him, would turn into something more. She knew a relationship with Rafael was not possible. So she kept her feelings to herself. A friendship was all she could ever have and she had to settle for that. But she couldn't shake what she felt for Rafael. Her feelings ran deep.

The final summation for the trial against a man who brutally raped and tortured a young 15 year old girl was underway. He swore to himself to get justice for the victim. During his closing arguments Rafael made the jury see the victim's pain in his summation. It took the jury all but 20 minutes to find the defendant guilty on all counts. Rafael looked back a slowly gave a nodded to Liv.

With a smile Sergeant Olivia Benson walked up to him "Congratulations Counselor" Olivia said.

"Thanks. You have such confidence in me."

"Of course I do. I have and always will." She said. Rafael felt good. Better than good, he felt proud, complete. A feeling he hadn't felt in a while.

"This calls for a celebration, don't you think counselor? My treat." Olivia said.

"Ok. Sounds good to me. But I'm paying." Olivia nodded with a smile.

"I'll pick you up around 8? Olivia agreed. Good, see you then."

Rafael walked out of the court room and walked to his office. On the way he was going over his short conversation with Olivia in his head. He couldn't help but grin. He always longed to hear those words from Olivia Benson. Deep down he wanted to hear three little words from her "I Love You". His feelings for Liv were strong. He finally found someone he was comfortable with. There was only one other person he loved with his soul. But she even hurt him. He vowed to himself that he would not let anyone get so close to him again. He didn't want to go through the pain, anger and disappointment again. But with LIv it was different. He couldn't explain it. But he knew they were co-workers in a sense and it would never work.

He had a change of plans. He went to his favorite liquor store and bought his favorite bottle of scotch and Olivia's favorite wine. On the way to Liv's he picked up a large variety of his favorite Cuban food. It was going to be a quiet night in. He would love to go to his favorite restaurant, but after a long trial, peace and quiet is what he needed. He wanted, no needed time alone with Olivia.

Olivia was in the bedroom deciding on what to wear. If she knew where they were going it would be a lot easier. Noah was sitting on the bed playing with all the clothes Liv decided not to wear. Just as she was about to take off another dress the doorbell rang. She thought to herself it must be Lucy. She picked up Noah and headed to the door. To her surprise it was Barba.

Raphael couldn't believe his eyes. She looked beautiful, elegant, and exquisite. If he could he would take her here and now. But _the two of you are only friends_. He thought to himself.

"Uh, Barba you're early. Lucy is not here yet… what did you bring?" She said.

"I really just need a quiet night in. So I thought I would bring your favorite wine and my favorite scotch and Cuban food. I also called Lucy and told her change of plans. I hope that's ok?"

"Sure. Just let me change into something more comfortable and put Noah down for the night".

"Don't change. I think you look great."

"Yeah…I am a little over dressed. I'll be right back. You can set up the food and get the drinks ready."

Olivia was relieved. A quiet night in sounded great. She could spend some quality time with Noah and Rafael. She changed into a pair of jeans and tank top. As she walked out she heard Rafael's phone ring. Disappointment rang in her head. She wanted time alone with him. She heard him swear and the ringing stopped.

Everything okay? She asked

"Just finished, setting everything up. My phone rang and I didn't recognize the number so I hit ignore. Not tonight." He said Hell not tonight.

As they sat on the couch eating and laughing, Rafael's phone rang again. It was the same number he didn't recognize. He hit ignore once more.

"Rafael, don't you think you should answer your phone. It could be important." Liv said.

"I don't know the number. They haven't left a message, so I don't think it's important." Rafael said.

"I need some time to myself. There are other ADA's who can handle the case load."He said.

"Okay Counselor, if you say so." She said

The night was going peacefully. They laughed and then all of a sudden the mood changed in the room. LIv and Barba were staring at each other. It was as if time was standing still. They each didn't know what to do. Barba wanted to lean into a kiss, and Olivia was smiling and waiting. They were less an inch from their lips touching….His phone rang again...His world was about to be change….

Chapter 2

"Barba answer it this time. Please." Liv said.

Rolling his eyes, he leaned over to pick up the phone when he saw it was his mom calling. His heart sunk, he knew something was wrong. He couldn't explain it, he just knew. He looked up to LIv, and she even saw the look of concern on his face.

"Mami." He said.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Barba." An unfamiliar voice said.

"Who is this? Where is my mother?" He demanded.

"My name is Nurse Flores with Mercy General. I tried calling and didn't get an answer, so I'm calling from your mother's phone. Your mother was admitted to our ER with chest pains. She is asking for you." Nurse Flores said.

"I'm on my way. Thank you." He said. He quickly hung up the phone.

"Barba is everything Ok?"

"Those calls were from Mercy General. Mom was admitted to the ER with chest pains. I've got to go." He said

"Yes, yes of course. I can come with you; I just have to get Noah ready."

"Thank you, but you don't have to."

She gently laid her hand on his. "Raf, I want to, but it's up to you. " She said

He slowly nodded. She got up and ran to get Noah. The ride to the hospital was quite. Noah was sound asleep. Olivia text Rollins to see if she can come to the hospital and pick up Noah. She needed to be with Rafael. That is the only thing she was sure of right now. Liv slowly put her hand in his. It startled him. When he turned towards Liv, he held onto her hand tightly and relaxed. He knew with LIv by his side he can conquer anything.

As they walked into the hospital, Amanda came and got Noah. She took Noah and wished the best to Rafael and his mom. They asked the nurse at the nurses' station where his mom is. She kindly got up and walked over to his mom private room. Rafael was shaking, and panting hard. He prayed to God that his mother was ok. He wanted to cry, but he knew he had to be strong. His eyes scanned the room. When he saw his mother, his heart jumped from his chest to his throat. Liv stepped closer to give him support. He moved to his mother's side.

"Mami! It's me Rafael. Mami!" He cried." Why won't she answer?" He asked.

"Let's find out from the doctors. She's resting. "Liv said

Just then the door opens and the doctor walks in.

"Rafael." The doctor says.

Rafael recognized that voice. Slowly he turns and he can't believe his eyes. He never thought in a millions years he would lay eyes on _her a_ gain. Daniela Dominquez. The one woman who actually broke his heart. The love of his life. Everyone thought Yelina was "the one". But no one knew of Daniela. He loved her with every fiber of his being. And in one night it all changed.

"What are you doing here?" He hissed.

"Rafael. I'm here seeing to your mother. I'm her Doctor. She has been my patient for the past three months. I come to New York once a month to see her. And my mother of course. "Daniela said.

Olivia coughed. Rafael looked at her and apologized.

"Sergeant Olivia Benson, this is _Dr. Daniela Dominguez."_ The two women looked at each and shook hands. Rafael was baffled. His head was spinning. He couldn't believe this was happening, any of this. Olivia and Daniela in the same room, and his mother lying in that hospital bed. His past and hopefully his future in the same room. Sharing the same space. Then reality hit. This isn't about him or them. It was about his mother.

"Daniela, what is going on with mami?" Rafael asked.

"I am running some test to pinpoint the issue. I will know more when I get the results. Three months ago I was here visiting my mom. All three of us went out to lunch, and your mom mentioned she had been having dizzy spells. So I called a colleague from school and she let me use her office to see your mom. I have been coming here every month since then. Rafael I can assure you I will do all I can for your mother." Daniela said

He shook his head. "Thank you." He said.

"I will leave you two alone to visit. If you need anything just ask." Daniela walked out of the room.

"Well, you can cut the tension with a knife." Olivia said under her breath. Rafael turned to her.

"It's a long story. Someday I will explain, but not now. I really don't want to get into it now. Thanks so much for being here. It means a lot to me."He said

She smiles at him, and nods. "Whenever you're ready, I'm always here. "She said quietly.

Rafael's mother stirred in the bed. "Rafi?"Lucia asked.

"I'm here mami. Do you need anything? Are you ok? Please tell me what you need." Rafael asked as tears filled his eyes.

"I need you to stop asking so many questions. I'm ok." She looked at him with loving eyes. "Did you see Daniela?" She asked nervously

"Yes. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell how you've been feeling? I had to find out this way about your health and Daniela." He said sounding a little frustrating. He felt Olivia's hand on his arm and sighed.

"I am going to call and check on Noah. Mrs. Barba I am glad you're ok." Olivia said.

"Sergeant Benson. Thank you for being here. "She said. Olivia nodded and left the room.

When Olivia was gone Rafael turned and looked at his mom. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to feel. He laid his head on his mothers arm as tears ran down his face.

"I don't know what I would do if I lost you." He cried. "Hush now. I'm not going anywhere, at least not before I have a couple of grandbabies. His mother chuckled. He whipped his up and rolled his eyes.

Olivia returned and said she had to get home to Noah. Before leaving she told Rafael if he needed anything, anything at all to call or come by anytime. He thanked her and walked her out. Before returning to his mom's room he grabbed a cup of coffee. He was trying to make sense of what was happening. Walking back so many memories came crashing back. The night his heart was broken, his feelings for Daniela. She always had a place in his heart. Now all the feelings of anger, pain, hurt, loss, and emptiness filled him.

Returning to the room he thought to himself 'Rafael, pull yourself together. It's in the past. You moved on. So has she.' As he opened the door Daniela and her mom were in the room. "Mrs. Dominquez. It's good to see you." He nodded at Daniela. "Rafael. You look good." Mrs. Dominguez said as she got up to hug and give him a kiss on the cheek. She looked at Daniela and then at Rafael. He gave her a weak smile. Daniela questioned Mrs. Barba to see if she was taking her meds and what changes in her diet she had made and what exercises she was doing.

"Por favor Daniela, poner fin a las mentiras." Mrs. Dominguez said. Daniela just looked at her mom. Rafael looked baffled. "What lies? What are you talking about?" Daniela you need to tell me what is going on. And you need to tell me now!" Rafael hissed.

"Is it about my mom? Tell me!"

"Calm down Rafael, it has nothing to do with your mom. It's about us."Daniela said.

Rafael scoffed. "There is no `us'. He said.

"You two need to talk." Mrs. Dominguez said." I will stay with Lucia."

"It's late and I have court in the morning. I really don't feel like dreading up the past right now. Mommy, you will be ok if I go?" He asked. "Yes, yes of course. Martha will stay with me. You go home and rest. I will see you tomorrow. Love you mijo." Mrs. Barba said. Rafael kissed his mom goodnight and said his goodbyes as he walked to the door; he turned to his mother and gave her a nod and smile.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

As he walked out of the hospital, he was going over the evening in his head. So many thoughts were running through Rafael's mind, his work, love, friendships, and his whole life. He knew what it was like to be "in love." He was in love with Danni years ago. But that relationship ended badly and he swore to himself he would never love someone so deeply again. He was not going to allow himself to go through that pain again. He dedicated his life to be the best damn attorney he could be. And he succeeded. He moved from a small law firm to becoming an Assistant District Attorney. Sure he had a life outside of work. He had friends. Friends he would go out to dinner with or sailing or just to hang out. But that was it that was all he wanted. Then one day he met Sergeant Olivia Benson. She brought light to some of the dark places their work took them to. She was there whenever he needed her. It didn't matter what time it was, or who she was with. She was always there. _"Why"_ he thought to himself. _Why was Olivia always there?_ And then all of a sudden Daniela shows up out of nowhere. Why did _she_ come back? Why were his feelings for her coming back? She looked good. A feeling of pride swept over him. He was happy she was successful. He was starting to question everything in his life up till now. Then all of a sudden confusion set in.

He hailed a cab and was on his way home when his mother called. She wanted her bible and crucifix and asked Rafael if he could bring it to her. He decided to go by her apartment tonight and pick up the things she asked for. On the way to his mother's apartment, he was wondering what Danni's mother meant by 'put an end to the lies'. What lies? He needed to know. He needed to know now. He was going to call Daniela and met her for lunch to talk. Since he was going to his mom's apartment he decided to stop my Mrs. Dominguez apartment a couple of doors down to see if Daniela was there. He gathered his mother's things, and walked to Mrs. Dominguez's apartment. He stood there for moment thinking to himself ' _is this the right thing to do'_ or just walk away. He slowly lifted his had to knock and quickly decided to leave. Let the past stay in the past. As he turned to leave he saw Daniela walking up. She was on the phone and gave Rafael a nod. As she continued to talk she opened the door and waved for Rafael to enter. He stood paralyzed for a moment. She motioned for him to come in. He let out a sigh and walked in.

"Jason, did you get the file I sent you for Lucia Barba?" Daniela asked. Rafael was puzzled.

"Yeah, I will scan it into the patients file. It is clear there is a blockage." Dr. Julian Martinez said.

"I am going to recommend stints to the family and schedule the surgery for Thursday. I should return to Miami week after next."

"Ok. Sounds good."

"Tell Sarah not to worry, I will be back soon and she can have her husband back." Daniela said.

Jason chuckles and agrees. Right before Daniela ends the conversation, they discuss a client Daniela has been seeing and agrees with Jason to call her first thing in the morning.

"Rafael. I am surprised to see you. What can I do for you?" Daniela ask

"We have something we need to discuss. We are both adults, I think we can have a rational conversation. I was going to call you and ask you to lunch so we can talk. But I needed to pick up some things for mom, and decided to see if you were here. Now is a good of a time as any" Rafael said.

Daniela nodded and offered Rafael a drink. He refused. He needed a clear head.

Daniela let out a heavy sigh "Where to begin."

Without hesitation, "What did your mother mean by put an end to the lies?" Rafael asked.

Daniela looked at Rafael with sadness and love. She let out a sigh and began.

"Remember that weekend we took a trip to Cambridge. Daniela laughed at the memory. "That was such a magical weekend. We talked about our future together, NO kids till we have established our careers. You were very adamant about that. I was going to be a pediatrician and you the handsome attorney. We were debating on where we were going to live and you said you would follow me anywhere. Later that night you planned a special night. The room was filled with lilies, soft music playing and for dinner my favorite meal." Rafael laughs and sighs." After we ate we danced slowly in each other's arms. You stopped and slid down on one knee." Daniela paused as the tears slowly fell from her eyes. "I was so overwhelmed with joy. I couldn't believe what was happening. You asked me to marry you. You said there was no other woman for you. When I said yes you wrapped me in your arms and made sweet, gentle love to me. That was a very special night.

"I remember." Rafael mumbled.

"Well, the week you were about to leave for Harvard, I felt ill. I wasn't myself. So I went to see the doctor and found out why. When I came home, we talked more about our future and kids again. Tears filled my eyes and agreed. "Daniela said

"I remember you ran to the bathroom. You said you had a stomach bug." He said. Daniela nodded.

"Rafael, I made a decision that night that would change our lives forever. I thought at the time it was for the best. "

"What are you talking about. " Rafael hissed as he turned to look at Daniela.

"I found out that day that I was pregnant. You didn't want kids till later. I didn't know what to do. I was scared, and felt so alone. If I have told you about the baby you wouldn't have gone to Harvard and you wouldn't be who you are today. So I lied and told you I cheated on you." She cried softly. "I never cheated on you. You were my everything, my true love. I could never be with another man... But I had to come up with some way for you to leave and never look back."

"I'm a father?" He asked nervously." How could you make a decision like that all on your own? I'm a father." He said surprised.

'No, there is no baby."

"What! What did you do? Please don't tell me you had an abortion?" Rafael pleaded.

"No Rafael, I could never do that! You should know me better than that. I cried the whole day when you left for Harvard. I wanted to tell you so much about the baby and that we could somehow work it out. But all I could remember is you saying 'NO KIDS'. Later that evening I was having pains and began to bleed. My mom took me to the emergency room….. Rafael, I lost the baby. I was so mad at myself. I was sure _I_ did this. _I_ made me lose the baby. _Our baby_. The doctor said I was healthy, my vital were good. He said that sometimes things like this happen. So I left New York and went to stay with family in Miami. I went to school there and became a Cardiologist.

Rafael sat in silence. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. _He_ _was going to be a father. He never had the chance to mourn his child_. Anger was washing over him. Pain, distrust, betrayal is what he was feeling, he didn't know what to do. He had to get out of there before he said something he will regret later. Not saying one word he got up and looked at Daniela, then turned and walked out. She wanted to call out to him. But she understood he needed space.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

It was 1am in the morning and Olivia couldn't sleep. She was tossing and turning. She couldn't get Rafael out of her mind. Her friend was hurting. Olivia's heart was aching to see him, talk to him, or just hold him. She got up from the bed and walked into the kitchen to make some tea. She could call him to see if he was ok, but held off. She didn't want to push Rafael. She would wait until he was ready. As she was pouring her hot water in the cup she heard a faint knock on the door. She let out a sigh of relief. She knew it was him. She quickly walked to the door and looked through the peep hole. There he was standing at her door with a solemn look on his face. As she opened the door she felt relieved.

"Rafael, please come in."

"Olivia, I am so sorry for coming so late. I should've called." He was still standing outside of her door.

Olivia walked up to him and reached out and grabbed his hand and gently pulled him inside. Once inside she wrapped her arms around him. She needed that connection with him. Olivia needed to let Rafael know she cared for him.

Rafael felt safe, warm, and loved. He didn't want to let go of Olivia. They stood there for a couple of minutes, but it seemed like an eternity.

"Olivia, I am so sorry for coming so late." He pleaded as he buried his face in her neck.

"Hush, it's okay. I'm glad you're here. "Olivia said as she continued to hold on to Rafael.

Reluctantly he pulled himself away from Olivia. With her hand in his, he walked to her couch and sat down. Placing the Bible and crucifix down, Olivia looked at it; she didn't see Rafael as the religious type. Olivia turned to face Rafael and just sat waiting for him to start talking. Rafael didn't know where to begin. He felt he owed Olivia an explanation. He didn't want to lie or keep anything from her.

"Do you want some tea, anything?" Olivia asked. Rafael shook his head.

"Olivia, this night has been the worst imaginable. Just a few hours ago we were sitting here laughing and was just about to…..anyway. Mom is doing well. She is resting and Mrs. Dominguez is staying with her. There is a lot to explain. I need to tell you who Daniela is and what happened between us."

Olivia sits back bringing Rafael with her.

"Daniela and I were together for over 3 years. We started off as friends, then best friends and we just could no longer keep our feelings for each other hidden. I was truly madly deeply in love with her. I would do anything for her; I would follow her anywhere, even die for her. Our future together was all planned out. She was going to be a pediatrician and me an attorney. When I was accepted to Harvard we were both so happy, our dreams were coming true. We were just waiting on her acceptance letter. One weekend we took a trip to Cambridge. I had it all planned out. Her favorite flowers were all over the room, her favorite meal, and soft music in the background. I was so excited, I felt like a child on Christmas morning. After we had dinner we danced and danced. When the time was right, I got down on bended knee and asked her to marry me. She made me the happiest man on the earth, when she said yes. Well you can guess what happened after. Life was great after that amazing might. Then it all came crashing down. "Rafael paused for a moment. Olivia just sat there taking it all in, never letting go of his hand.

"Olivia, you have to understand something about me. I can pretty much take about anything. But I will not, cannot live with lies and cheating. I have always been truthful, faithful and honest with everyone. I just ask for the same in return. Daniela knew that. Right before I was to leave for Harvard, she confessed that she cheated on me. It was one night, when I was away with my mom. Daniela said she was at a party for one of her cousins and drank too much. A one night stand, how cliché. I was so furious; I walked out and never spoke to her again. I loved her so much it hurt. I went my way and she went hers. She never tried to contact me nor I her." Rafael stopped and lifted his face to Olivia. Tears were falling from those piercing green eyes.

"Rafael, I am sorry you were so hurt. Seeing her brought all those memories back. She has moved on and is now a successful Cardiologist in Miami. I have to confess, I did some digging on the good Doctor." Olivia said.

Rafael was surprised that she would take such an interest. Then again she is a damn good Sergeant.

"Olivia, that's not all." Rafael said.

"What more could there be? You moved on and so has she. Rafael, I know this sounds cliché, but you need to leave the past in the past. She is your mom's doctor, I'm sure you both can amicable." Olivia said.

"When I left the hospital mom called and asked me to pick up her Bible and crucifix. I went over there to pick up her things. I was standing in front of Mrs. Dominguez door. I needed closure. I lifted my hand to knock, and then decided to leave. Well, Daniela walked up just when I turned to leave. I went inside and, and….." Rafael hesitated to continue the recent revelations were painful.

"You don't have to tell me anymore, I get it." Olivia said with sadness, letting go of his hand.

"NO, Olivia you got it all wrong. I never thought I could love so hard like that again. But then you showed up in my life and my feelings for you are so much stronger than I ever had with her. Every time you walk into my office or a room it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. I can't explain it, but I LOVE YOU!" He pleaded.


End file.
